today, i feel disapointed at myself, for not being up to par with myself, as a submissive, as a woman, as a business woman.

as my Domina pointed out to return the collar, and as i gave it back with shakey hands to the Man Whom made the collar, i am in tears. 

But i understand, that it’s like going to first day of class and i’m given a “a”, as classes go by and i don not keep my “a” up, my grade level goes away.  i’m am learning more this year about myself, self worth, and about what real love is.  From F/family, that i must earn and am honor to be apart of.  not, ever being used to this kind of rare care, i’ve learned to be more quiet, more cautious, and mindful of my surroundings, my health, and myself.  being in that room today, so disapointed and ashamed.  because i truly highly respect P/persons. it was very hard i wanted to crawl to Her and beg, but i know that i did not deserve that. 

it’s hard to think that i am cared for, when i’ve gone about almost my whole life not.  this is something i must really think about. and i will, and i feel like i think it will onlt get better, it has to and it is up to me.

interview and photoshoot @ Studio Servitu with Playboy

Tuesday, August 20, 2011

i am at Studio Servitu in LA, doing a shoot with Miss Crash and Ms. Jane Jett. i am shooting as the submissive that i am. i’m a little anxious and excited, not knowing what to expect.
I’m going to be interviewed on why and what to i get from being a submissive…
where does one start??
Answer: satisfaction in every way :)

July 30th, 2011 Saturday

   katana’s b-day leather & lace event.

special thanks to Domina and cage of the soul!

August 18,2011 Friday.

       i am back at square one on the never ending circle of the bumps the come along the road of life.  remembering that i belong to my Domina and the F/family i have keeps me grounded.  today i am going to continue to act, speak, and think as the submissive i am.  i plan to do something good for someone today which will be helping my cousin thread/wax her brows & spending time with my tate.  

    i had a punishment given to me by Domina.  which i am greattful for, and today is a day where i will remember the consequences when i do not obey.

  my punishment was to kneel naked facing the wall on 30 pieces of rice on each knee for 45 minutes.  ”I will serve only my Domina”.  at first, i didn’t understand why, i had to count out 30 grains, it seemed so little.  during the 45 minutes i began to realize how difficult it was and cold i was naked on my knees..then it went away because as i was thinking about repenting and my Domina..the pain and time went by.  it was a strange feeling i was in a sub space but also felt like scum of the earth and undeserving of anything because of my mistake.  

i learned not to question and trust and have faith that if i am being told to serve in anyway, even if it doesn’t make sense, i will do it without question.

i feel at peace, and anxiety because i am constantly thinking if i am good enough.

"Power is the greatest aphrodisiac"-Henry A. Kissinger

This is quote has always been in my mind, it means many things to me.  When i first heard it, i thought, “yes, having control or power of our own destiny is good.” 

Years later, now as a submissive, this quote has much more valuable meaning to me in giving up my power and submitting too.  Doing such by serving and putting all trust to my Domina,  makes me become not only a better person.  More strong, kind, more “powered” as a submissive, as myself, as a woman.

The submission of katana